Eight Years!

June 2nd marked eight years now that Jose and I have been married.  I am sorry to say that neither of us is very good at remembering our anniversary or making a big deal over it - but for both of us the fact that we are tied together in this sacred bond of marriage means more to us than ever!  Our appreciation for each other has defiantly grown in this last year as we have taken steps to be more honest and diligent in our communication and sharing.  We are so alike in some ways and so different in others - I know that is probably how it is for everyone:) Both of us have very reserved natures and tend to be on the too serious side - things we are working on. We don't always do a good job of communicating, not because we are upset with each other, more so because we are not detailed and simply don't bother or take the time to share the nitty-gritty! (Of course the fact that adult dinner time conversation is rather challenging at our house might play into the problem.)

I have been wanting to write a post about marriage ever since I started this blog and so I suppose now is as good a time as any.  A while back while reading at this really great blog - My Charming Kids - http://www.mycharmingkids.net/ - I came across a post that I could so relate to. This is just part of the post - I encourage you to check out this lady's blog - she has had over 13 MILLION hits on her blog.  Any way this is what she wrote... (oh yes, she refers to her hubby as Prince Charming)

Instead, as my husband and I are allowing God to now rebuild our marriage brick by brick, God has gone from whispering in my ear and tapping me on my shoulder to gently shaking me with both hands and speaking directly in my face: "Don't try to demand your way, my daughter! Stop fabricating rules that your husband must follow before you'll let yourself be happy. Quit seeking happiness in your marriage by trying to find meaning and emotion in every single cotton pickin' thing your husband does or doesn't do. Just relax. Just be. Just serve me with your marriage. Prince Charming can never make you ultimately happy, anyway. Being happy isn't the goal I even created marriage to help my children attain! Find a true joy, my daughter, a sustainable peace in your marriage from letting go of your need to control your husband and meet him in the middle in all decisions, big and small. Give him leeway to lead you, for I have put your Prince Charming in that role for you."

Okay, God. If You say so.

And, to be honest, at first, when God struck me with these principles (I was struck with them through reading the Bible, reading books on marriage, talking things through with my sister and mother, seeing a marriage counselor and developing beautiful relationships with a small handful of more mature mentor wives who have befriended me), I was a bit dethroned. I was willing, but I dragged my heels. "Okay, okay," it was as if I told God. "I will stop requiring my husband to make me happy, stop sulking when he doesn't use exactly the right tone I wanted him to use, stop reminding him of all the big and small ways he is not succeeding in making me happy. I will. But then, that will really stink. I'll just be unhappy all the time, while I honor You. I mean, honoring You is great, but what about me!? I'll be like a doormat, letting my husband do and say whatever he wants, while I have to overlook it just to obey you."

And I was prepared to do just that, because God was asking me to follow Him without any promises of how I would feel or what I would get in return.

But lo and behold, friends, when I gave up my claim to require Prince Charming to serve me before I would love him back...when I gave up my so-called right to be made happy by my husband in all things...then I began to find something ever so much better than fleeting happiness. I have begun to find an unspeakable peace, an enduring joy and alasting satisfaction within my marriage.

In surrendering my need to be fulfilled by another human being, I thought I'd be left with a bit of a hollow feeling. But the opposite has been true! In fact, I was just telling Prince Charming yesterday that I feel a weightless freedom that I have never known before. To not require him to meet my happiness needs doesn't leave me feeling unhappy; I feel happier and freer than ever! I simply choose to stay in my marriage now. I am choosing to not force Prince Charming to try to fulfill me or meet my happiness needs. I have been finding so much lasting joy in loving Prince Charming because I decide to, and not always waiting for my feelings to lead me to love him. The feelings come, though, my friends. Oh, boy, do the feelings come.

Forsake myself and my desires, follow God by putting Prince Charming first, choose to seek to make him happy instead of myself, and it all flows back down. His desires are becoming mine and we are enjoying life as a team now. My husband can hardly wait to meet my needs, now that I am not demanding that he do so! He sees my side of things ever so much more than he ever has. I respect him, he loves me, God is honored all around, and truly, everyone wins!

I can relate to that quest to find my happiness and fulfillment in my marriage. I remember when we were dating coming to the realization that Jose was not capable of meeting my deepest needs and to expect him to do so was not only extremely unfair but would only manage to make both of us miserable.  Well it is one thing to know it in your head it is another to live it out in real life. Tonight as I write this I am thanking my dear Father for the ways that he has shown me and is showing me that all I need is found in Him.  That marriage is more about making me holy than it is making me happy. Please don't get me wrong, my happiest times in my life have involved Jose, definitely.  But hear this, my greatest growth and maturing have also involved Jose.  

I am so thankful for a husband who is a man deserving of respect.  He is so consistent.  I told someone the other day - kind of in fun, "yea, no one fears Jose's anger at our house."  I have NEVER heard my husband raise his voice - NEVER.  He is patient with all of us.  Last fall he came to me and asked me to share my dreams with him.  Wow!  That kind of leadership does awesome things for a family:) There are those times when I am 'at the end' or perhaps being unfair with the children and he will say, in a quiet serious way,  "Kelley".  Sure it doesn't always feel good and I have not always responded great - but I am thankful for that kind of accountability! It does help me become the kind of woman and wife and mom I want to be.  So when I am done being irritated I go back and thank him for the 'check'.  Certainly neither of of gets it right as often as we would like to, and we have a long way to go, but I can say this with confidence - we are moving in the right direction - we are both growing, maturing, changing, becoming more of who we believe He wants us to be - as individuals and as a team.  And I also know this, we are having more fun in our marriage and enjoy being together more than ever!!!! IT IS because of God's faithfulness to these two undeserving  children!!

I asked the Lord this morning to please give us wisdom as we raise our kids because honestly - we really don't know what we are doing:)  I pray that my boys will grow to me men who persue knowing and loving God the way their dad does!!